Wednesday, October 30, 2013

How to make your Flight for Spring Break (or anywhere) just that much better in 10 Steps

Step 1: Don’t Forget The Water
with airlines cutting all possible costs; they are now serving up these HUGE 8-10 oz. cups, filled to the brim with ice. What this means is, you get 4-6 ounces of beverage. You can of course try to fight them for the whole can, but good luck. If you happen to get a meal, it’s just not enough to neither properly swallow, nor digest your food, nor to stay adequately hydrated on an arid aircraft. Purchase a bottle of water AFTER you clear through security, otherwise they will confiscate it. Spend the $2.50 and get one. Having enough water will give you energy for your party vacation once you arrive. Stay hydrated.

Step 2: Speaking of Dry
Bring with you less than 4 oz. of good hand lotion in a plastic baggy (to clear security) is also a great idea. Places, with their recirculated air, are super low in humidity, thus the dry skin. Dry skin causes wrinkles, aging you. Bring lotion in a small, trial size that you can pick up at Target Store.

Step 3: Da’ Eyes and Da’ Mouth
Bring a Toothbrush and a trial size of toothpaste (also in a plastic baggy) as well as a trial size of contact cleaner and solution. If I have to spell this out of you, you’ll feel more fresh, clean, and have clear ojos for the trip if you do happen to fall asleep.

Step 4: Pack you Medication & Medicine
Do NOT check your medicines with any airline — if they happen to lose your checked bag, your vacation could be potentially ruined. Put it in your carry on.

Step 5: Speaking of Carry On’s…
Pack Smart — airlines lose millions of bags per year…to later auction them off and their contents to warehouse aggregators. Pack one full change of clothes, a swimsuit, and essential toiletries. On a recent (nightmare) trip, Delta lost my bag, and was rude enough to inform me (which I cannot testify if this is accurate or not) that “neither they, nor ANY airline has a real way to track a check bag.” Either the bag goes with you on your plane, or it might end up anywhere. Pack carefully to make it all fit. Remember, you do get one overhead carryon, and one personal bag you can bring with you. I like my strap bag since I can bring some work in there, too.

Step 6: Prepare for Dead Time
Bring a good book, a magazine, and your fully charged IPOD. A 3-4 hour spring break flight can turn into a death march of watching the time (on a recent trip to Peru my IPOD was dead, my laptop was Kaput, and I finished two books…NOTHING to do for an hour…totally blew). Oh yeah, for the LOVE OF GOD do NOT bring a laptop on spring break…that shit will get railed.

Step 7: Bring a notebook to jot yourself notes
No, you don’t have to be the President of a Company to want to do this…but for example, I wrote this blog out longhand on a $.50 notebook with a cheap pen…to quickly type it up later. I also like to jot ideas, stuff I have to do, and anything else creative in there…a pen and paper can also pass time, but more than anything, it can make you money. Ideas have a monetary value!

Step 8: Ear Plugs & Eye Mask
I forgot both for my South America trip, and had to suffer listening to these two obese people rant and rave about how bad their lives suck. Give me a break! Plus, the sun was coming up, and my eyes were killing me…I just needed some peace, quiet, and cramped sleep.

Step 9: Dress in Light Layers and for Comfort
Seems that the airline manufacturers get their thrills from freezing us, cramping us, or sweating us out of the place….yes, Grandma wears her warm up pantsuit for her vacation for a reason…she’s comfy! Temperatures on planes during the course of a normal flight range from arctic cold to sauna heat….being able to pull off your body cool cotton and back on again will keep you comfortable and less irritable. Being bound up in the groin area for three hours sucks, too.

Step 10: Be Patient
Or more importantly, have the correct mindset about a few things. Yeah, it makes no fucking sense why you print an “E Ticket” or “check in online” only to have to a.) Redo it again at the terminal, and then b.) Give a live person your ID. Wow, I can’t wonder why airlines have financial problems. Security take off your shoes, (gross), and walk where the lady from the trailer court just walked, yummy. Then, proceed to the gate to wait for the cattle stampede when the call row 18…(why people are in such a rush to stand in line on the jetway is beyond me). Finally, listen to some dipshit steward drone on about “items may have shifted about” or “this is the captain from the flight deck.” What the fuck is a flight deck, I thought that was a cockpit, and what the hell is “shift about,” do you mean that bowling ball in the overhead might fall out on your ass? They use the most complicated language to explain the simplest stuff. Oh yeah…don’t end this on a rave…it’s a just the start of another article on “what I hate about flying.”

Chad Hart

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