Tuesday, November 5, 2013

What I hate about flying – lots of cursing, don’t read if that pisses you off

Let me list everything I hate about flying……this is very poddy mouthed….be warned!!!!
1.) The ridiculous check in process
You get an “e ticket” — then you are emailed a reminder to “check in early” …only to a – do so, but notice b – every seat is full, and you are stuck in the middle row. Then, you arrive at the airport to again, use a terminal to “check in” (usually there is a person behind these kiosks since old people, white trash, and anyone who rarely flies can’t figure them out), then you again stand in line to check your bags. Guess what happens next? A real person checks your ID. Now your bag is “over the limit” — $75 please…(a scam the DOT is allowing airlines to perpetrate since 9/11…they actually don’t want heavy bags because it costs more jet fuel). Overall, you can see how inefficient airlines really are. They could have had JUST A BUNCH OF PEOPLE standing behind the counter, take your id, print your boarding passes, and you’re outta there…no need for them to spend $5555 million on that “early check in,” another $93882 million on the kiosk, and $125,000 on two employees that they would have needed to have anyway, without any union cuts.
Overall, as a business, Inertia would be “outta business” if we ran our show as inefficiently, and in such a time consuming, cumbersome way.

2.) Security
Yeah, ok. We all are supposed to be “understanding” after 9/11, weren’t we? So, the DOT working with our Congress, decided to pass “new security measures.” I particularly loved the color coding of the “terror” we should be “keeping alert for.” (you know, arabs with turbins, people from Waco, the French, and the Senior Citizen World War II veterans) (whoops! no way, not them too?!!!)

Here is what I’m saying. It’s annoying that Americans pretend to not be racist. We go out of way to “prove” we aren’t. So, we have to apply “equally annoying” standards of security to all. Ok, I get that. Loud and clear. However, EVERY time I go through security, I have a new game called “can I sneak on the water” or “can I sneak on the stapler” or the ever favorite “can I bring on the nail clipper” routine. About 10% of the time, they actually find this stuff. Are we more safe with all this bullshit? Not really. We all know it.

The “terrorists” know it, too. Just like in TJ (Tijuana) with drug smuggling, they pretty much know that if they try hard enough, with enough people, shit that shouldn’t get through, will get through. So why the security delays? I think, to make ignorant people feel safer.

The most annoying thing in my opinion is the fact that you have to take your shoes off when you go through the metal detector…next time you do…go ahead and look down at the floor….guess what…the GRANITE ingrained cement is actually worn down from the sweat off of people’s feet. And ummm…yum….you might be bare footed as well. Lick your feet on the plane later. This is all because some asshole from England tried to bomb (unsuccessfully, I might add) a plane with a “bomb” in his shoe. It didn’t work, now we are all subjected to this nasty fucking requirement.

By the way, my favorite part is that they take your cheap drinking water away. Any thoughts, folks, on why they really do that? Guess what? Airport revenue. Airport restaurants and bar revenues are so far deteriorated since 9/11 that they cried hard enough for ways to get revenue up…in the good ol’ days, everyone would go through security (yeah, you still had to go through security, but you could still go meet or say goodbye to loved ones right at the gate.)….yep, people would also buy a bunch of shit at the restaurants while they waited. These businesses kissed a boat load of cash away with the new “security” …and now, at least they will get to sell you a $5 bottle of crummy water. Do I sound cheap? Well, I’m not, I’m just a bit tired of being lied to on a daily basis by our Federal Government…but don’t get me started down that road…

3.) The plane ride itself
I hate airplane language. They use the biggest words, and describe things in the most nonsensical way you can imagine. Rather than say “hey ya’ll, watch the overheads when you open them up in case some douche bag jammed his oversized bag in there” they say “please exercise caution when opening the overhead bins as items may have shifted during the flight.” What the F does that mean? And, whatever happened to calling things what they are? “Stewardess” is now “Flight Attendant” since we have men sometimes as Stewardesses as I assume. 

Also, the area where the plane was flown…I’m guessing you played Scrabble you’d call it the “cockpit.” Now we have chics flying planes, so it’s called the “flight deck.” “Hello, this is Captain Kangaroo from the flight deck” — listen numbskull, you are a glorified bus driver — don’t think so highly of yourself. I remember back about 10 years ago half of you A holes were wasted flying us around.

4.) “Regulations”
Regulations say “put up your shade during take off and landing.” Why? Is the flight deck boy going to look out of my window when we crash? I really, really also like the jerk middle aged guys that always are flying on “business.” They have alot of “meetings” to go to you see. They won’t hesitate to vote for the guy “fighting the terror!,” nor putting up your shade for you. After all, why would anyone be tired on a flight? Their fat, lazy wives aren’t worth a schtup, so they simply go to sleep at 10 p.m right after they watch the “tid bit” newscast about the “weather.” If I had $100 for every middle aged guy that a.) talks too loud or too much, or b.) has to look out the bitchin’ window on a flight, I’d not be writing this rant. Luckily now, I'm a big enough guy someone reaches over my seat I'll break their arm.

More regulations….  why can’t 18 year olds drink on international flights? Apparently, they might drive the plane. “FAA regulations say….” F the FAA! The FAA says I have to wear a seat belt when I’m not “moving about the cabin.” What the hell is moving about the cabin even mean? Going to drop a dump, or what?

5.) Stupid Stewardess
Yep, they are really waiters. Last time I flew from Minneapolis to Austin, Texas, one made a point to make a scene since I hadn’t “turned off my portable electronic device”…(i.e..a solar powered calculator.). I told her, I’m sorry ma’am but it doesn’t turn off. She says, but it has an ON button.

Lady, the bitchin thing is, it’s solar powered. I hate “rules” that really don’t make sense. I mean, would a solar powered calculator mess up the flight computers, or what? And by that token, how in the name of Jesus, Joseph, and Mary does an IPOD have to be turned off? If it can be turned on when we’re in the air, it stands to reason that it is just as likely to fuck things up as when we are taking off. I say this, not as a scientist, as a normal dude — it’s still an impossibility. Obviously, someone that wasn’t a pilot made that dumb assed rule. Ask ANY pilot how an IPOD could interfere with their flight instrumentation, and they’ll laugh at you. Sure, my Cessna 182 is no 777, but come on.

Next up, Stewardess’ on Southwest that like to “customize” the information they give, to “liven it up” and be “funny.” Actually, I’m just so pissed I’m flying, I wish I could muzzle you. Shut the F up.
 
6.) People on “vacation” on flights…
These are the dick licks that “clap” when the flight lands in Cancun. Why? Because they are so pumped up to go to Senor Frogs, after all. When you’re 44 years old, Senor Frogs is “the” place to party man, and now the fucking plane didn’t crash, so it’s time to clap.” Up yours.

Yes, we sell vacations, so I should “love” people flying on vacations. Well, I don’t. They are often the most impatient people since they never fly. They don’t understand flight delays (how COULD THIS HAPPEN! MY VACATION IS RUINED!!”) (simply assholes), they don’t understand not to bring fast food on a plane so they can eat the french fries that stink like shit. They also typically complain about the airline food (we that fly regularly are so pumped to get anything…) that we’d like to steal your “food.” They still think it’s cool, like when they were in high school, to bitch about the school lunch. Some of us big boys love food. So, shut the hell up, ok?

Also, assholes that are dead asleep, but wake up at the “time for a free soda” call. These cheap jerk offs deserve nothing, and the fact that they are so cheap kills me. Why do airlines give free “drinking matter” out anyway? I mean, are we such a parched nation that on a 45 minute flight we need a plastic cup of flat soda? What gives?

My NUMBER ONE suggestion to airlines is to stop, think, and assimilate. Didja know that several great restaurants could prolly cater good food, and people would pay for it? And, WHOA! you could make money on this? Or, better yet, charge me $1 for a Coke. That’s fine. Don’t be stingy with a 5 oz. glass like you are now, and don’t try to frickin gouge me on a Coke. This isn’t the movies after all, I’ve already paid your asses for this ticket.

Finally, “vacation” people annoy the shit out of me as they think since the “lie my seat all the way on your lap” has a button they can fuck around with, they will. I, as a 6’2″ tall boy, I simply shake their seat for an hour straight by shifting around my legs….they sometimes get exasperated by this, which I truly do love.

7.) The Two Drink Rule the major airlines sometimes enforce.
Listen, some of us Irish boys can put away a case of beer, let alone 2. I got cockblocked on a recent United flight, and was like…you know what? I outta just steal the beer. I know, some people can get belligerent, but others want to just catch a buzz, and go to sleep afterwards.

8.) The environmental ass raping
Yep, that’s right. Jet fuel is basically kerosene, and we put a TON of it in the atmosphere everytime we fly. I don’t know what to do about it…but I’m just saying, I hate it. I hate that we have to drink 98 glasses of water a day, that comes in oil bottles (plastic) that we just throw away, but I don’t have a good solution to that, either.

9.) Prices that just don’t make sense.
Stop trying to swindle the taxpayer into subsides since you can’t run a business. Why is it, (as a tour operator) if we book 34 seats on a empty plane one year in advance, I can buy 4 seats cheaper 15 days in advance? It shouldn’t work that way. Why is it that 2 seats is cheaper than 12 seats? It shouldn’t be. Why can I buy it cheaper online than when I call your dumbass? I shouldn’t be able to. Why can I fly from Ohio to South Padre cheaper than Kansas City, which is twice as close? Until they get someone in charge with some common sense, it’s no wonder the corporate welfare must continue.

Rantin’ & Ravin’!!!
Inertia Chad
chad@inertiatours.com
http://www.inertiatours.com